Dr. Joel Beeke has an interesting chapter in a recent book from Reformation Heritage books (The Law of Kindness: Serving With Heart And Hands). In that chapter he writes about kindness as “the fundamental ingredient of a good marriage.” He points out that Paul instructed Christians in Colossians 3:12 to “put on kindness.” He goes on:
“We are to adorn ourselves with it at all times and in all situations. Most of marriage is not honeymooning in the Alps or the Caribbean. Most of marriage is made up of small acts of daily kindness, like putting toast in the toaster for your spouse, asking each other how your day went, or sending a silent, warm smile across the room.
“Exercising consistent loving-kindness as a husband to your wife involves working at three areas in your marriage: demonstrating kindness, preventing unkindness, and reacting to unkindness.”
Dr. Beeke then goes on to explain several ways to demonstrate kindness, though he indicates that the list could well be inexhaustible. The first one he lists is to show great interest in your wife as a person.
“Care about her. Conversational communication is critical for your wife. Communicate with her. After church worship or times of spiritual fellowship ask her what she learned and how her soul fared. Ask her how her day went and how the kids were. Ask her about her dreams, fears, and frustrations. Learn to listen; learn to reflect her feelings back to her so that she opens up the more. Be her ’sounding-board.’”
Perhaps the best one he mentions is to treat your wife tenderly. He states, “Let your entire demeanor treat her like she is a rare vase rather than like a piece of outdoor patio furniture. Tell her every day how much you love her. Shower her with affection–verbal affection, physical affection, emotional affection, spiritual affection. Seldom walk past her in the home without a hug. Write her an affectionate letter or give her a warm card, expressing your affection. Add a few paragraphs to the card, extolling how loveable she is, and give it to her at an opportune private time. It will bring her to tears of joy and appreciation.
“Your wife is God’s gift to you. Appreciate her. Thank her every day for who she is and for what she gives to you. And give yourself to her (Eph. 5:25). I once read of a Puritan husband who was accused by his pastor of making an idol of his wife because he loved her too much. The poor man went home much troubled, but soon returned to his pastor and said , ‘I humbly believe that you are wrong, for I read in Ephesians 5:25 that I am to give myself to my wife as Christ did to the church. When I read that, I realized that I still don’t love her enough for my giving of myself to her doesn’t begin to compare to how Christ gave himself for me.’”
Beeke does not ignore the principle that different people have different “love languages.” But kindness embraces every possible love language. In fact, one of the acts of kindness that Beeke presents is that of learning your wife’s love language.
I would suggest that there is a sentence in Beeke’s chapter that either I misunderstand or strongly disagree with. He suggests that if our wives’ feelings are strong in a particular area that we “choose to follow her feelings.” By all means, we should put our wives’ welfare ahead of our own. But I would suggest strenuously that following someone else’s feelings is not in itself a very good leadership style and is not necessarily even a kindness. A better approach, in this reviewer’s opinion, would be to provide the kind of leadership that makes it generally a pleasant exercise for our wives to trust our judgment in matters of disagreement. Kindness, and our wives’ confidence in that kindness, will provide that kind of leadership in the Christian family.
REB
